I've been reclusive lately. Not my choice. Just listening to the Universe and trying to follow the 'master plan.'
Deepak Chopra and his words of wisdom regarding silence have been resonating strongly and I've been following the inner voice that's telling me to lay low, be quiet, wait for direction.
And now that I've gotten all zen here, let me break the spell by saying that I got up this morning expecting to work, grocery shop, clean house, write, meditate and kill a few brain cells on "Californication."
It didn't quite work out that way.
Because Nancy called and said she wanted to go to yoga. And a message popped up on Facebook from the studio owner saying that she had a guy she wanted me to meet. And then we all showed up to yoga and four of us went out after for dinner and two of us went out after that for drinks and now I'm attempting to log out my day - at nearly midnight - and I'm completely taken aback by life's opportunities and chance encounters.
I met someone really interesting tonight. A profoundly spiritual person who has suffered more loss than I could ever imagine. In the short course of just four hours, I learned a great deal. I gained a clearer appreciation of the situations in which we are presented and how each is a lesson. I laughed quite a lot. I made a new friend. One that I'm sure is worth more than just another "Wall" on Facebook.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Layers
The thing with divorce is that it creates tangled, sticky messes of seemingly everyday life. For a long, long time.
My ex and I cannot cut the ties of our relationship. The main tie - being Ben - is almost the easiest to manage, at this point. I never thought I'd say that. Co-parenting with Kevin, regardless of trips to Italy during the school year and inconsistent bedtime routines, is much simpler than the financial and emotional ties that we share.
In the span of two short weeks, we have spiraled into yet another vortex of raw emotion, fueled by financial commitments to one another and unresolved sadness.
It would have been a much more successful divorce had we both absolved the other of financial responsibilities and waved a magic wand of forgiveness.
But we didn't do either and now we are stuck between between two layers of one messy cake.
And right in the middle is me watching Ben lunge for Kevin's girlfriend and want to cuddle with her, Kevin sending middle of the night emails from Italy with regrets and "what ifs", the prospect of Kevin's girlfriend moving in with him (and Ben), mortgages that are stuck because we're both still intertwined in the details, Ben asking why I can't go on vacations with him and Kevin when "there are three seats across in the airplane; one for you too, Mommy."
The situation at hand is immobilizing but I think that it's supposed to be. I've always thought that when you don't know what to do, making at least one decision can help you find your way. But not in this case. My heart, my gut, everything is telling me to pause. To sit still. To wait. Because something will unfold.
My ex and I cannot cut the ties of our relationship. The main tie - being Ben - is almost the easiest to manage, at this point. I never thought I'd say that. Co-parenting with Kevin, regardless of trips to Italy during the school year and inconsistent bedtime routines, is much simpler than the financial and emotional ties that we share.
In the span of two short weeks, we have spiraled into yet another vortex of raw emotion, fueled by financial commitments to one another and unresolved sadness.
It would have been a much more successful divorce had we both absolved the other of financial responsibilities and waved a magic wand of forgiveness.
But we didn't do either and now we are stuck between between two layers of one messy cake.
And right in the middle is me watching Ben lunge for Kevin's girlfriend and want to cuddle with her, Kevin sending middle of the night emails from Italy with regrets and "what ifs", the prospect of Kevin's girlfriend moving in with him (and Ben), mortgages that are stuck because we're both still intertwined in the details, Ben asking why I can't go on vacations with him and Kevin when "there are three seats across in the airplane; one for you too, Mommy."
The situation at hand is immobilizing but I think that it's supposed to be. I've always thought that when you don't know what to do, making at least one decision can help you find your way. But not in this case. My heart, my gut, everything is telling me to pause. To sit still. To wait. Because something will unfold.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Homecoming
Ben is home.
He was here when I got off work tonight, all plunked out on the couch looking hungover and sick. Of course he's NOT hungover (unless his dad's teaching him how to party like a rock star at age 6) and I highly doubt that he is sick (yet). The boy has a nasty case of jet lag.
He could barely raise his eyes to look at me when I walked in. Eyelids were half-mast and from what I could actually see of his eyes, they were mostly red.
"What did you do to him?" I asked Kevin.
"He's exhausted. He's been up since 4am and we ran around all day today."
Lovely.
Three guesses as to what I'll be doing in the 4am hour.
Nevertheless, I pried Ben off of Molly long enough to smother him in kisses and lock my arms around him, pausing just for a moment to open the gifts that he and Kevin brought for me (Italian beret style hat and olive oil and another TBA gift. hmmmmm.).
Ben was asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow and I can hear his rhythmic breaths from the kitchen now. That is one tired kid.
So glad he is home. I'm already feeling less displaced and more like my old "mom" self. It's a good feeling.
He was here when I got off work tonight, all plunked out on the couch looking hungover and sick. Of course he's NOT hungover (unless his dad's teaching him how to party like a rock star at age 6) and I highly doubt that he is sick (yet). The boy has a nasty case of jet lag.
He could barely raise his eyes to look at me when I walked in. Eyelids were half-mast and from what I could actually see of his eyes, they were mostly red.
"What did you do to him?" I asked Kevin.
"He's exhausted. He's been up since 4am and we ran around all day today."
Lovely.
Three guesses as to what I'll be doing in the 4am hour.
Nevertheless, I pried Ben off of Molly long enough to smother him in kisses and lock my arms around him, pausing just for a moment to open the gifts that he and Kevin brought for me (Italian beret style hat and olive oil and another TBA gift. hmmmmm.).
Ben was asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow and I can hear his rhythmic breaths from the kitchen now. That is one tired kid.
So glad he is home. I'm already feeling less displaced and more like my old "mom" self. It's a good feeling.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday2
Ben is en route home. I talked to him tonight after he cleared customs and picked up luggage. "Mommy, I miss Molly so much. I can't wait to see the girl. Do you think she missed me? Do you think she'll jump up and down when she sees me? Did she look for me when I was gone? Do you have any new Legos for me?"
And then:
"I didn't really miss you as much as I missed Molly. But Daddy says I get to spend NINE DAYS with you while he goes to Maui next week. NINE DAYS! I'm so excited to spend NINE DAYS with you and Molly!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well, thank goodness for Molly.
Today, I worked. I have a new, challenging client and an existing, challenging client. They are both on Thursdays. One is limited by her own self-imposed ideas of inflexibility; the other is limited by the fact that she is a total bitch. I came close, in that last sentence to using the "c" word but for now, let's just say that the only "c" word I'm going to use is this: "client."
Anyway.
I forgot to mention that another client - far from a bitch or "c" - came to see me yesterday and she made me cry with her sweetness. I have good people in my business. And in my life.
I had coffee when one of my peeps today. A former student turned friend. She's still a student but has moved in to my close emotional space to share secrets and advice and laughs. She also inspires me. With a serious autoimmune condition, she's followed a diligent eating plan that encompasses protein, vegetables and not a lot else. She has three boys and a rocking yoga body and the purest diet of anyone I know. Living large, in her world, is a teaspoon of agave in her coffee. As I dumped about a half a cup of half and half in my Americano...
After my crying incident yet again in church last week, I felt like I needed to write our Dean a note and tell him how much I appreciate his wisdom. The note turned into an outpouring of emotion and included regrets and sorrow about my failed marriage. Which fit into the context of his message last weekend. It felt good to get a lot of that "muck" out - and direct it toward someone who is way holier than I. Yet, here I am, nearly four years later, wondering about all the love that Kevin and I still hold for each other and how severely we let our marriage go off course and how in the world I can ever make peace with that. I'm glad, at the very least, to be dealing with it in a way that feels appropriate and healthy and even spiritual.
Since speed dating was canceled, I took my refund to Crossroads, which is like the mothership to me. It was fun to spend my last night of "motherhood hiatus" with no time constraints and a little cash to spend.
Ben comes home tomorrow night. I work until 8; my mom will have him ready to go to bed when I get off work. Who knows if he'll actually go down; it could be a long weekend of fighting of Amalfi Coast time. But I'm ready.
And then:
"I didn't really miss you as much as I missed Molly. But Daddy says I get to spend NINE DAYS with you while he goes to Maui next week. NINE DAYS! I'm so excited to spend NINE DAYS with you and Molly!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well, thank goodness for Molly.
Today, I worked. I have a new, challenging client and an existing, challenging client. They are both on Thursdays. One is limited by her own self-imposed ideas of inflexibility; the other is limited by the fact that she is a total bitch. I came close, in that last sentence to using the "c" word but for now, let's just say that the only "c" word I'm going to use is this: "client."
Anyway.
I forgot to mention that another client - far from a bitch or "c" - came to see me yesterday and she made me cry with her sweetness. I have good people in my business. And in my life.
I had coffee when one of my peeps today. A former student turned friend. She's still a student but has moved in to my close emotional space to share secrets and advice and laughs. She also inspires me. With a serious autoimmune condition, she's followed a diligent eating plan that encompasses protein, vegetables and not a lot else. She has three boys and a rocking yoga body and the purest diet of anyone I know. Living large, in her world, is a teaspoon of agave in her coffee. As I dumped about a half a cup of half and half in my Americano...
After my crying incident yet again in church last week, I felt like I needed to write our Dean a note and tell him how much I appreciate his wisdom. The note turned into an outpouring of emotion and included regrets and sorrow about my failed marriage. Which fit into the context of his message last weekend. It felt good to get a lot of that "muck" out - and direct it toward someone who is way holier than I. Yet, here I am, nearly four years later, wondering about all the love that Kevin and I still hold for each other and how severely we let our marriage go off course and how in the world I can ever make peace with that. I'm glad, at the very least, to be dealing with it in a way that feels appropriate and healthy and even spiritual.
Since speed dating was canceled, I took my refund to Crossroads, which is like the mothership to me. It was fun to spend my last night of "motherhood hiatus" with no time constraints and a little cash to spend.
Ben comes home tomorrow night. I work until 8; my mom will have him ready to go to bed when I get off work. Who knows if he'll actually go down; it could be a long weekend of fighting of Amalfi Coast time. But I'm ready.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Wednesday2
To mark the one week anniversary of Ben being away I:
Met a good looking guy for a blind lunch date.
Except that "good looking" is a real stretch. But that's what happens when you post a picture that's ten years old.
And "lunch" happened to be in a casino bar. Because he had clients who needed to be entertained. Asian clients who like to gamble.
And I realized that it's good to meet an executive who heads up 400 people at IBM in a large space. Because of his ego and all.
Lessons learned from today:
Do not drink wine at lunch.
Do not drink two glasses of wine at lunch.
Do not drink two glasses of wine at lunch on an empty stomach.
Do insist on a proper lunch before 3pm. Preferably at a restaurant that's NOT in the casino.
Do sub out a 4:30p cycle class.
Do re-schedule evening clients.
Do call in sick to late yoga class.
My speed dating event was canceled for tomorrow night. I'm kinda bummed. But there may be a lesson in that, as well.
Met a good looking guy for a blind lunch date.
Except that "good looking" is a real stretch. But that's what happens when you post a picture that's ten years old.
And "lunch" happened to be in a casino bar. Because he had clients who needed to be entertained. Asian clients who like to gamble.
And I realized that it's good to meet an executive who heads up 400 people at IBM in a large space. Because of his ego and all.
Lessons learned from today:
Do not drink wine at lunch.
Do not drink two glasses of wine at lunch.
Do not drink two glasses of wine at lunch on an empty stomach.
Do insist on a proper lunch before 3pm. Preferably at a restaurant that's NOT in the casino.
Do sub out a 4:30p cycle class.
Do re-schedule evening clients.
Do call in sick to late yoga class.
My speed dating event was canceled for tomorrow night. I'm kinda bummed. But there may be a lesson in that, as well.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday
I got nothin' tonight.
Or maybe I do:
I took a new Reformer class.
and cleaned out my shoes.
and trained a new client.
and exercised extreme patience with an existing client.
and told another client, "this ain't no Simon sez game; I said, get into a Plank position now!" (she's a friend; I can talk to her that way and not have her walk out on me!).
and had a little mini photo shoot with another instructor (we're aspiring models for a talent scout looking for new "pilates" faces).
and sat through a parent meeting at Ben's school.
and had exactly six minutes to talk to Ben before the calling card ran out, learning that Ben steered the rental car out of a narrow road on the Amafi Coast. I am not kidding.
and scheduled a lunch date with a VERY HOT GUY for tomorrow.
and stressed about what to wear tomorrow.
and am about to kill off any brain cells I have remaining with the final two episodes of Californication.
and boycotted a shower. again. in honor of my friend, Michelle. and Mother Earth.
and that's it.
Or maybe I do:
I took a new Reformer class.
and cleaned out my shoes.
and trained a new client.
and exercised extreme patience with an existing client.
and told another client, "this ain't no Simon sez game; I said, get into a Plank position now!" (she's a friend; I can talk to her that way and not have her walk out on me!).
and had a little mini photo shoot with another instructor (we're aspiring models for a talent scout looking for new "pilates" faces).
and sat through a parent meeting at Ben's school.
and had exactly six minutes to talk to Ben before the calling card ran out, learning that Ben steered the rental car out of a narrow road on the Amafi Coast. I am not kidding.
and scheduled a lunch date with a VERY HOT GUY for tomorrow.
and stressed about what to wear tomorrow.
and am about to kill off any brain cells I have remaining with the final two episodes of Californication.
and boycotted a shower. again. in honor of my friend, Michelle. and Mother Earth.
and that's it.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday
I'm missing Ben. It's time for him to come home.
They called first thing this morning, having been to Pompei. Ben continued to rave about homemade ravioli and didn't have much to say about the most ancient site in Italy. Figures.
As for me, definite waves of loneliness were pushing and pulling at my emotions all day yesterday and today, as well. I had so much productive time this weekend, and some quiet, spiritual and reflective time, too. But not much in the way of physical interaction unless you count the debate my mom and I got into over green, leafy vegetables. She shuffles around the house so much - in slippers and all - and the energy becomes stagnant. And more stagnant.
Yesterday, I couldn't take it any longer. I texted three friends in desperation. "Please, I need to get O-U-T!" But everyone had plans so I made peace with being at home in the shadow of my mother's existence and that was that.
Today was different. After work, I cleaned another closet and became so disgusted with being at home - with her AND with myself - that I got in my car and drove to see a friend at her work. Which is also my work when I teach classes. Yes, sadly, my big escape was to the club. But she gave me tons of empathy over Ben being gone and a few laughs, too.
I attempted to do some secondhand shopping this afternoon but my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to buy my best friend a pair of boots so once I found those, my mission was completed. My final attempt at connecting was going to my favorite instructor's Reformer class tonight. She killed me.
As I look out to the final stretch of Ben being gone, I'm amazed at how busy my schedule is about to get. New clients, a parent meeting at school, a date, a dating event, coffee with another friend, classes to teach. Maybe it's good that I had this little slice of downtime.
Deepak Chopra writes that the only way we can tap into our inner strength is by being quiet. Very, very quiet. "Silence," he says, "is the best teacher."
Yes, indeed Deepak. That it is.
They called first thing this morning, having been to Pompei. Ben continued to rave about homemade ravioli and didn't have much to say about the most ancient site in Italy. Figures.
As for me, definite waves of loneliness were pushing and pulling at my emotions all day yesterday and today, as well. I had so much productive time this weekend, and some quiet, spiritual and reflective time, too. But not much in the way of physical interaction unless you count the debate my mom and I got into over green, leafy vegetables. She shuffles around the house so much - in slippers and all - and the energy becomes stagnant. And more stagnant.
Yesterday, I couldn't take it any longer. I texted three friends in desperation. "Please, I need to get O-U-T!" But everyone had plans so I made peace with being at home in the shadow of my mother's existence and that was that.
Today was different. After work, I cleaned another closet and became so disgusted with being at home - with her AND with myself - that I got in my car and drove to see a friend at her work. Which is also my work when I teach classes. Yes, sadly, my big escape was to the club. But she gave me tons of empathy over Ben being gone and a few laughs, too.
I attempted to do some secondhand shopping this afternoon but my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to buy my best friend a pair of boots so once I found those, my mission was completed. My final attempt at connecting was going to my favorite instructor's Reformer class tonight. She killed me.
As I look out to the final stretch of Ben being gone, I'm amazed at how busy my schedule is about to get. New clients, a parent meeting at school, a date, a dating event, coffee with another friend, classes to teach. Maybe it's good that I had this little slice of downtime.
Deepak Chopra writes that the only way we can tap into our inner strength is by being quiet. Very, very quiet. "Silence," he says, "is the best teacher."
Yes, indeed Deepak. That it is.
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