Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I'm stuck. In several different ways. So I'm going to use this post, today, to try and un-stick, unravel, and generally undo the some of the not-so-great patterns that I've found myself falling into as of late.

To start with, I'm not sleeping. At all and despite enough medication to knock out all of Carmichael and parts of Fair Oaks. Last night, I never fell asleep. Not for one minute. I watched the clock with every passing hour, knowing full well that I was going to be a really unhappy camper today. Which I was. Am. I gotta get some good rest. SOON. I "SOS-ed" my sleep doctor for help. But I really think that I need to "SOS" something on my cognitive level that's keeping me from getting decent rest.

I might not be sleeping well because I've developed some bad habits around my bedtime which is not good for someone with a delicate sleep constitution like mine. But I wrestle with this one because how can I have a fun, healthy social life when I have to be in bed at 9pm taking deep, full breaths and letting go of the day? Twice this week, I went out for drinks instead. And dearly paid the price.

I was doing SOOOOO well on curbing the emotional eating. Then I had a little backslide. Then a bigger one. And a couple more. But I'm trying to cut myself a little slack on this one because overall, it's much better and I know that this will be my torch to carry for the rest of my life. There has to be some forgiveness in the accountability. Otherwise, I'd be miserable all the time. I'm working on that. It's a definite work in progress.

My Mr. Great caused some serious cuticle chewing on my part this week. So I decided to set him free. On our fifth date last night, as he was telling me about how he's "scared" because he "likes me a lot" (I'm using quotes here because aren't these such typical sentences for a male???), I surprised myself by saying, "Well, that's YOUR issue. I can't help you with that one. I guess you have your own choices to make relative to this." That was that. I didn't tell him why he should like me. I also didn't go home with him when he asked. Why would I? I know I like him. I know I like him a lot. But I'm not going to invest any more energy and subject my cuticles to more chewing until there is a little more assurance from him. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I've hit the highlights of this mountain of stuff that seems to be sitting directly on my shoulders right now. It's kind of amazing how when I write it out like this, I can start to feel - and to see - that it's quite possible to find a little peace even in the midst of fatigue and uncertainty. I'm already feeling the lessening of the physical effects of a sleepless night and the boost of a day with purpose and I know I can shore up what I need to - in terms of energy - to see myself and my family through to the end of today. For now, that's all I need.

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