Monday, June 14, 2010


I am feeling immensely grateful for better physical health. There, I said it. Now I can write about the state of my heart without feeling like I'm being ungrateful for the great improvements that I've made physically.

This weekend, I "graduated" my son from Kindergarten. I developed a major crush on a guy; let's call it unrequited love for now. I had a fall-out with a female friend. I went to a party at my ex-husband's house and despite his girlfriend being in attendance, was accosted by several friends and ex in-laws who felt the overwhelming need to convince me that we (the ex and I) should get back together. I cut my carb intake to just a couple lettuce leaves, a few tomatoes, some avocado and straight Vodka. I said goodbye to Ben for a week.

Can you say "train wreck?"

I held it back until yesterday - Sunday - afternoon, then the dam of emotions broke and the river of tears hasn't stopped.

It started with Ben's little footsteps on the wood floors on Friday morning. Tears before breakfast. Yay. Graduation itself wasn't so bad, but he was getting sick and Kevin wasn't being attentive and I wanted to just wrap Ben up in all my motherly compassion and take care of him.

But I couldn't because it was Kevin's damn day.

Going out on Friday night seemed to be the perfect solution especially since I haven't been out in so long. But it wasn't because I found a guy, in a bar, or rather, he found me. Actually, we just found each other. I liked him. A lot. I got to know him and then he went home. To fucking Florida. Just my luck.

The girlfriend and I had a difference in opinion over said guy. Why can't female friends just be supportive? Why is male attention a bad thing when you're a single mom? It's not like Ben was sitting on the bar stool next to us. And he bought her drinks. I don't understand.

My ex's party was a mess. From my perspective, at least. Kevin so wanted my mom and me there. We went, even though it was a party with his people: his girlfriend, her friends, my ex in-laws, etc. I got there and my mother-in-law (ex, that is) barrels into me, sloshed, and says, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I MISS YOU SO MUCH! EVERYONE MISSES YOU! DON'T YOU STILL LOVE KEVIN???"

Hello to you too.

Same conversation occurs over and over among friends and family members. "We know he left you, Janeen, but he would do anything to get you back."

At one point, I had to say, "Lower your damn voice. His girlfriend is RIGHT THERE, for God's sake!"

Such a heavy heart that night. As if "getting back together" was so easy. AS. IF.

Then, a text from my bar friend: "Fly out for some Florida fun!"

What is wrong with men today??? Pick up the damn phone and invite me to your state properly. Not that I'd go, mind you, I'm not exactly looking for a Florida "hook-up."

Lastly, the diet. Adjusting to 20 net carbs a day is hard work. There are 20 carbs in an apple. A big apple!

I did my first kytone test this morning and results were right on. Which means my body is where it's supposed to be except that the major dip in serotonin is probably contributing to the waterworks event here.

And finally, because I forgot this little tidbit, I got invited to a Divorce Party. Yes, you read that correctly: A DIVORCE PARTY. So-and-so is splitting from so-and-so and the invitation read: "Let's fucking celebrate!!"

To which I can only say, "What-the-fuck-over?"

The saving grace was a phone call to my sister and the text that she sent after we hung up. I have to write this so that I can come back and read it and read it and read it and read it...

I'm so glad that you called me today and that you share your life with me in vulnerable ways. I will keep your secrets for you. You are dazzlingly beautiful inside and out. You are of infinite worth. I see you as a light that fills every space you are and lingers long after you are gone. I look forward to your visits like you're somebody famous I've won a lunch date with, and I don't want to live in a world without you. I love you, Jan and you'll always be my hero, no matter what.

After a weekend like this, I feel so very compartmentalized and even marginalized as this life that I live dips and soars and crashes and glides. But to have my sister on my side, to know that she holds the big net for when I tumble, to have the assurance that compassion will always win over judgment in her book is so priceless in my world of unknowns.

Thank you, Alisa. I love you too.

And the house is officially out of klee-nex.

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