Withdrawal

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I sometimes think that single moms with young kids should not attempt dating. It's too damn hard.

My current beau, K, gave me the "jump in or jump out" talk last weekend. Consequently, my stomach hurt and I couldn't sleep all week.

Some say that I might be developing a pattern here. But, I think that I'm trying to discover what I need in a partner and that the road is rocky and sometimes, very hurtful for both people involved. True, my last three relationships have petered out after a few months but isn't that really about the time when you get to know someone? And isn't it better to "call it" after a few months, rather than a year? Or two?

I went over to K's last night after work. Around 8pm. I was dreading it, in all honesty. Our conversations this week were difficult, from both sides. Our dialogue felt forced. I could tell that K wanted to be all over me, emotionally and physically, the moment I walked in the door.

Right after dinner, I called a time out and said we needed to talk. I attempted to tell him that my heart isn't in it. I said to him, point blank: "Look, on MOST days, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone other than my son (friends and family excluded)." I couldn't have been more specific.

Trouble is, he's leaving for a cruise with his family today. He kept telling me that he didn't want to go with a heavy heart. So I took on the heavy heart and am feeling like crap for sending him off to the Caribbean under the false pretense that I would be here, missing him like crazy. But then again, maybe I will...miss him like crazy. I'm definitely open to that possibility. Wide open.

And just to be clear, I tried yet again this morning to help him understand. "I'm not moving at the same pace," I told him. "It's like you're in the carpool lane and I'm in the bicycle lane." How could I have been any clearer?

What I want right now, is some time for my belly to settle down and a little distance from romantic obligations. I want to hang out with Ben and not have to worry about integrating someone else into our days. I want to come home from work and watch a DVD. Alone. I want to learn how to peacefully co-exist with my mother. I want to figure out what I'm supposed to do, relative to work.

My friend Shelley tells me that when the right guy comes along, I'll WANT to spend time with him. I'll WANT to give up a spin class, an afternoon pedicure, a dinner out with a girlfriend. On the other hand, my friend Kathie thinks I should step out of the dating world completely. For several months to a year. Yet another opinion comes from my mother: "You should be doing a lot of dating. How can you figure out what you want if you're not out there?"

Withdrawing is my default plan. Always has been. Generally, my friends know that if the phone line is silent for a few days on end, something is wrong.

I figure I have eight days before K comes home to take a good, long look at the interior of my heart. If you don't hear from me this week, you'll know why.