VDay

I can now say the most of my home is clutter-free. I spent the better part of today organizing my studio closet, finishing my *new* filing system and finding permanent homes for Ben's projects from school and for all the items that seem to float around my home. I boxed up a ton of Ben's toys. Since he's officially "done" with cars, I had a lot of stuff to pass off. I even framed a few pictures.

It's a great feeling to have physical space cleared. I strongly believe that the state of your home is a metaphor for the state of your life and mine was feeling, well, a little too cluttered for my liking. That is, both my home AND my life. Now my space feels cleaner and my head feels clearer.

Since I was feeling so productive, I knocked out some other tasks too. I colored my hair. I downloaded new music for classes this week. I set up a date and a dating "event" (more on that later this week). I debated the merits of broccoli, spinach and red leaf lettuce with my mom. I watched some Californication (I figured I deserved a little levity...and a break!), I grocery shopped, I picked up more Californication (yes, it is like crack!). I went to yoga, too.

The fact that today was (is) Valentine's Day sort of slipped by me. I spent some time remembering the last two Valentine's Days that I celebrated: last year and the year before and how different they both were - both in the celebration and the men I actually shared the holiday with.

The highlight of my day was talking with Ben first thing this morning. He sounded so happy and almost effervescent with his news of what he had done that day. The call came almost at the same time as a sweet picture of Ben holding a card for me.

My heart ached a little today for Kevin. He's sent me some pretty deep and heavy email messages in the last couple of days. I can tell that he is contemplating regrets and his own disappointments relative to life and love. Maybe he is just now starting to peel back the layers of heartache from our divorce; I don't know.

What I do know is that working through heartbreak is like cleaning out a closet. You have to clear the space. Do the hard work. Tackle the tasks that you don't want to look at. Because sooner or later, it becomes unbearable. And you can't look at it, breathe with it, be with it. No one ever experiences an open heart without doing some work. It just can't happen.

In closing, my yoga instructor reminded me of something that I know to be oh-so-true. "Valentines' Day should be about cultivating relationships with ourselves," she said. "Because what good are we to anyone if we can't be good to ourselves? Go open your own heart before you try and work on someone else's."

Well put. Happy Valentine's Day!