Admitting

I have a problem. I struggle with food and emotional eating. I might not present like I have a weight problem but I'm one cupcake away from an all-out eating binge. Because, with me, one cupcake can't just BE one cupcake. Oh no. It might be an organic and wheat-free cupcake, but you can be certain that there will be several to follow, and perhaps, or likely, a raid on anything and everything salty.

This admission is going to be a surprise to anyone who reads this.

The problem with working in the fitness industry is that people look at you, or in my case, they look at me, and naturally assume that I don't have any issues with food or weight. And much of that is my fault. I maintain a healthy living blog, I cram my cupboards with organic and pure groceries and I have a well-rounded and active lifestyle.

I've done a good job, possibly a great job, of fooling a lot of people.

The real deal is that I have big issues around food and emotional eating. There, I said it. It's something that I've struggled with for years, in fact, I don't remember a time when food wasn't an escape for me.

Certainly there have been times in my life when the situation is better, more under control, and I find that I feel lighter, not just from a physical standpoint...my spirit actually feels like less of a load.

Then there are the times like now when I feel like the cycle is viciously churning, way out of my control, and there is no possible way of stopping it.

Recently, I picked up a book from Borders, having just been on an emotional eating binge, and I found out that emotional eating is a direct cause of insomnia. I guess if you cram 1,000 or more calories into your belly late at night that the digestive tract is going to be a bit busy overnight, thus, sleep becomes interrupted in a major way. It actually makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Since I've struggled with sleep for so many years, this point definitely caused me to sit up and take notice. But it didn't make me stay out of the kitchen.

Someone told me this week, "You look really stressed." I thought to myself, "Why am I stressed? For the first time since my divorce, work is somewhat stable, Ben is growing up to be a (relatively) good kid, I am dating, I'm cultivating my spirituality, I think I'm gaining (some) respect as a single, working mom...WHAT GIVES?" But I knew the answer and I knew it well. I can't get off the emotional eating treadmill. After 20 some odd years. And it's tearing me up.

I know I can't go on like this. I have an example to set to my child and I want it to be a good one. I want that lighthearted spirit back. I want to sleep at night and wake up refreshed and not with an aching stomach and a hurting heart. I want to stop living in the past - beating myself up for eating to cope - and I want to stop living in the future - worrying about my next episode and what impact it will have. I want to be in the moment - enjoying the many blessings that I do have and letting food do its job of nourishing my body, one meal and snack at a time.

The author of the book suggests that writing is an incredibly effective tool in the fight to overcome emotional eating. In her book, she actually advocates maintaining a blog; in fact, a public blog, shared among friends can be beneficial on so many levels...accountability, empathy, sharing, etc. But we bloggers already know that, don't we?o

So here I am. Ready to write. I hope that by sharing this publicly, that someone can relate to, and possibly, become encouraged by the battle I'm waging against myself. Oprah did it. I know I can too.