Thursday, June 4, 2009

History Repeating

I had huge issues with my mother while growing up. I was overweight, by about 40 or 50 pounds, and she told me, repeatedly, that she could not love an overweight daughter. Ouch. She put me on a diet early on. I can't remember a time when I wasn't dieting. So I snuck food. And therein lies the origin of my food struggles.

We've since made amends, my mother and I. She has apologized profusely for the way that she treated me when I was younger. She tells me all the time how good I look. I genuinely think that she is very, very regretful of her words and actions and I have tried to forgive her.

She's living with me now, my mother, and I'm amazed at what is re-surfacing. I don't feel like she respects my work. It's not so much of what she says, rather, it's what she doesn't say. I've tried, many times, to tell her that a small business can take several years to get off the ground and that I am so lucky to have quickly established myself in the fitness community and to actually be making money. I crave her approval and I don't feel like I have it at all.

I know that my mother empathizes with my struggles as a single mom and she often says to me, "Your life is SO HARD." And yes, it is, at times. But oftentimes, it isn't and those are the times that she doesn't talk about. Mostly, I feel like I'm her charity case...that without her, my mortgage wouldn't get paid, Ben wouldn't have a good sitter, the dog wouldn't be walked, the milk carton would always be nearly empty and so on.

Her energy in my home makes me restless. It makes me a little crazy, admittedly. She's here a lot. I don't have much quiet time in my house anymore.

So I eat. A lot.

She'll look at my food choices, as she did when I was a child, and often inquire as to what I am eating.

It's easier to eat away from her, at night, and that I do.

We had a nice moment, my mom and me, last weekend. I was trying on dresses for a big party and was borrowing the full length mirror in her room. I put on several dresses and she weighed in on my choices. She actually helped me to decide on the final cut...and told me that I looked "sexy." She even saved me a last minute run to Macys by providing some jewelry to wear with the dress.

I'd like to have some more of those moments with her. I didn't turn to the refrigerator, the freezer, or the cupboard that night.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure that a lot of your issues with food are resurfacing, having your Mom that into your day to day life. But the silver lining is that you can face them head on, like you are doing.

    On a side note, I thought your word choice was interesting "she weighed in on my choices". That interaction with her, and her approval obviously held a lot of weight with you - so to speak...