Friday, June 12, 2009


I originally called this post "Self Loathing" but that seemed a little harsh and I think that the current title is a little more palatable. To be blunt, right now, I can't stand weight, my eating habits, even my hair. I feel like a stranger in my own skin.

I'm beginning to realize that when there are so many things that I dislike about myself, it's nearly impossible to accept people into my life unconditionally. I'm feeling like I'm missing out on times with my son, romantic opportunities, and situations where I can practice loving kindness toward others (particularly my mother) because I am so mired in taking apart my own self-worth.

A friend recently said to me, "Fear blocks love. And love blocks fear."

I am afraid of my weight. I am fearful of my own behavior and actions. I live in a constant state of anxiety over the next episode, and even, at times, the next calorie. So how can I expect to create space for any kind of love...parental, romantic, friendship, etc when there is so much fear that gets in the way?

Conversely, I want to love the way that I know that I can. And for me, that means removing the fear, the worry, the apprehension. At times, fear feels like a huge wedge against my heart, to the point where I can't let any love in. That, in itself, creates more anxiety for me.

This week, I'm trying to lessen the vice-grip that fear has on my life. And letting my heart crack open, one tiny crevasse at a time.

1 comment:

  1. When you're striving to let love in, don't forget about the person who wants to love you more than anyone else in the world... You. And you so deserve to love yourself, with everything that you are. It starts there.